[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
prettiammie2005's LiveJournal:
| Thursday, May 4th, 2006 | |
| 2:41 pm | Bear with me... ...I have an eating disorder. I don't know how to begin. I barely know what to say. To the people who read my journal, I'm sorry. I just need to write this down to kind of give myself an idea of what I'm experiencing. If you don't believe in what I have (COD, Compulsive Overeating Disorder) then feel free to skip this post over. I've known for years now that I have some kind of weird 'Food Addiction', but the funny thing is (it sounds SO stupid) is that I feel like I'm the only one who has this problem. I've tried talking to doctors about it, but they never take me seriously. They just tell me, exercise more and eat less. I CAN'T. Don't they think I've TRIED to lose weight? I don't have the willpower to do it, and I fell like such a failure all the time. MY DISORDER IS STARTING TO RUIN MY LIFE. I get ANGRY at people if I want food and they refuse to give it to me. I don't know WHY! My mom said she was making dinner last night, and she didn't, and I was pissed off! I actually started a fight with her because I was promised food and I didn't get it. I went to a friends house and I wanted pizza. We always used to have pizza. My friend said no, she didn't want to ask her parents for pizza money, and I got offended and WENT HOME. I WENT HOME over FOOD. Every day when I go out, I feel like people are staring at me and wondering how in the hell I got so fat! I look at myself in the mirror and wonder how the hell I let myself do this... I can't even look in my own eyes now without wondering how I would look without this sick fat building up everywhere. I have a double chin, and my waist is so fat that I can't find my ribs. I'm constantly in mental and physical anguish because of how much I hate myself. I don't want to leave the house because people will look at me. If I can't stand looking at myself, how can I stand the way everyone else will look at me? At night, when no one is awake, I sneak down the stairs into the kitchen and steal whatever food I "need" and then I HIDE the wrappers in my room so people won't be able to find out that I eat at night. When my mom asks me how much food I ate, I LIE about it to her! I'm a VERY honest person. I tell my mom when I get drunk, I tell my mom when I smoke pot, same with my father, but I ALWAYS lie about the amount of food I eat. The other night I was watching TV with a HUGE plate of pogos. About 7 pogos. My mom starting coming up from the basement, so I put A PILLOW over the food and sat there staring at the TV with her because she came to spend time with me. I was so irritated, because I couldn't keep eating in front of her because surely she would have something to say about ALL THOSE POGOS SLIDING DOWN MY FAT THROAT. Instead, I told her that I wanted to be alone and made her go back downstairs. So I could eat. When I lived with my father, I got delicious home cooked meals every night. And after those meals I would usually have about 2 cans of soup and some MR noodles before bed. My step mom didn't understand how I could possibly be GAINING weight if I only ate what she cooked. I eat until I feel so stuffed that I want to lay down and sleep off the PAIN. Then when I get up, I eat more. I've eaten and eaten until I throw up, and then I just replace all the crap I just puked up. I've called in sick to school, work, and other engagements because I've overeaten the night before. Sometimes I do those things to stay home and eat. I am 5'5, and I weight 300 pounds. I have chest pains. I'm only 19. I think I'm going to die before I turn 21. At the rate I'm going, by 25, I'll weigh almost 400 pounds. I don't know what to do for help. I can't diet, because I don't have the willpower to stop my addiction. No one will help me with my dieting because they tell me it's something people have to go through alone. I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE. I NEED HELP. SOMEONE HELP ME. I'M SUFFERING. If this were bulimia or anorexia, I would have been hospitialized long before now and I would have been helped. But because I have a disorder that makes me fat instead of thin, no one wants to help me. They say, 'just diet' or 'just stop eating so much'. I see the looks people give me when I order food at a restaurant. "Should she be eating all that?" NO. BUT I CAN'T HELP MYSELF. I used to go to McDonalds and get 2 different meals, both upsized, until I started worrying what the people behind the counter must have thought of me. Even as I write this, I'm thinking about going upstairs and eating the bags of chips that my mom bought today. I hate myself. If this keeps up, I'm going to die, either from a heart attack, or because I kill myself. I'm reaching my breaking point. I can't take being disgusting anymore. I look every day at my mom and sister and I wonder where I went wrong. I want to look pretty like them, I want to fit into a size five jeans like they do... I don't want to cover up my body all the time. I try to look nice, I have some decent clothes, but I never wear them. I hate the way I look in them. I always tell myself, 'you shouldn't wear this when you're gross like me'. Compulsive Overeating IS a legitimate eating disorder. I have every symptom, but no diagnosis. Doctors look down on overweight people like me and think I'm just lazy. Do you think I have fun confining myself to my house because I don't want people looking at me? Do you think I like going out on a walk with my mom and becoming a big sweat bag because I'm so fat that I get hot in two seconds? Do you think I like ripping all my pants when I bend over because my ass doesn't fit in them anymore? Do you think I enjoy not having anyone to love me because I'm gross? DO YOU THINK I ENJOY BEING COMPLETELY ISOLATED FROM EVERYONE AROUND ME BECAUSE I'M THE ONLY ONE IN MY FAMILY WITH THIS PROBLEM?!!?!?! I'm going to go to a meeting tomorrow, I think. I'm going to try to get help and support from people who understand me. Hopefully with time my mom and dad can see that I have problem, and they'll be willing to be my willpower until I can develop my own. They don't understand that, in order to stop eating, I need COMPANY, I need to be WATCHED. Someone has to tell me, Enough is Enough, Amanda, you have to stop eating now. You've had a steak, a baked potato, and tons of other vegetables. You don't need those chips, now give them to me. You don't need a second steak, or a second potato. You don't need to eat a whole ham by yourself. Give me the food and go to your room and read. Someone needs to pull the food out of my hands (and mouth if need be), withstand my anger (I can tell you, I would be VERY mad if someone said those words to me) and ride out this disorder with me. I can't do this alone. People who are alocoholics have sponsors to help them, and people who have anorexia and bulimia get loved ones who help them and make sure they're eating properly. I feel like I have no loved ones. No one can help me. I feel so alone, and so very unloved. All I want is to stop over eating and be healthy. I don't need to be a size 0 supermodel. I want to weigh 160 pounds and eat healthy. I just need help. I need HELP!!!! No one believes me that I want to lose weight. It's like I'm trapped in this body and no one can hear me. I'm calling out and begging for someone to help me, but my body disobeys me and keeps eating and NO ONE knows. No one. Food is my enemy, but I can't stop. I hate myself when I overeat, but I keep doing it. This is a GENUINE addiction!!! Why won't anyone take me seriously? I really have to ask, do you people think I like being the subject of ridicule? You must really think I like being fat and ugly to not recognize my problem. "Oh, if she REALLY hated herself, she would just diet and exercise." Whatever. I'm so disgusted right now. With myself, and with everyone who never believed me when I said I have a problem about 6 years ago. You know, when I only weight 190 pounds. Imagine, I could have lost 30 pounds and been happy if they had helped me then. Now I have to lose about 230 pounds. This is going to be fucking FUN. --------------Amanda PS: This is NOT meant to blame people who understand. Dan, I know you've always agreed with me when I said I have a problem. I know you can't help me, but you've always listened and cheered me up. Congrats on being probably the only person who takes me seriously. |
| Friday, April 28th, 2006 | |
| 5:48 pm | Oops! On another note, I've started a new Legacy family, based off the original Akane Legacy story. Akane started in a house (as a teen) with her mother Umeka and her father Yoshiro. Her father was very abusive and strict. Akane wasn't allowed to wear her hair down except to bed. Akane wasn't allowed to show as much skin as tiny teenage girls are wont to do. Umeka wasn't allowed these things, either. Neither were allowed to wear much makeup. One particularily violent night, Umek came to Akane and told her to run away while she distracted Yoshiro, because Akane was going to be sold into an arranged marriage. Akane ran, and when Yoshiro found out about what happened, he beat Umeka nearly to death. He told the authorities that she was in a car accident, and he left her in the hospital in a coma. Eventually she passed on, and Akane was the only family member they were in contact with, so Akane recieved her mother's ashes. Akane (Turner) lives on Volcano Island now (There's some vintage Akane for you), with her husband Wyatt, and her two best friends Lucy and Grayson Fancey. She has one son (Kojiro), and she's pregnant again (though she's not showing yet). Lucy and Grayson have a son named Alric (after a character in a book series I read). I'll have pictures, eventually. Akane's super pretty, but for some reason I'm much more in love with the model-beautiful Lucy Fancey (what a name, eh?)... I may even begin a new Legacy and create a clone of her... I can't believe a townie could be so gorgeous... Thanks to the person who creates the new face archtypes for my game. ^_^ Cheers. |
| 5:07 pm | Woah... I haven't updated in nearly a half a year... :S Not much to say, even now. I have a cold... I'm miserable, stuffed up, and I keep coughing like my lungs are trying to escape... but oh well. I got the night off work, which is ok... I've realized now that they have tons of ridiculous rules there (at Licks). I can't pick up my pay before 8 pm, I can't buy food for other people off my pay check... I can't take my hat off inside the restaurant... I can't do this, I can't do that... It sucks. I'm going to keep this job, though... I have to. I don't fancy the idea of job hunting again. It's ok sometimes, too... When all the food is stocked and I don't piss customers off telling them 'Oh, we're out of bananas.' 'Oh, we're out of waffle cones'. 'Oh, we're out of MILK.'. I've lost at least three customers because someone doesn't know how to stock things properly. Meh. I'm paying for my new puppy's vet bills with my hard earned cash. It makes me proud to know that I'm actually able to make my own money. As stupid as it sounds. The new puppy's name is Marble. I'm going to take my mom's camera this weekend and take pictures of her, I think. We need some puppy pictures of her before she goes through the dreaded 'growth spurt' and ends up 90 pounds. Oh, and good luck to her learning her name. I call her 'Marbley-moo' and 'Pupperoo' all the time. XD I have 'Jipsy', 'Pooka', 'Mokey', 'Anners', 'Pupperoo', 'Mowgalie', 'Bimbo', and 'Wormy-butt' (DON'T ASK. It's not pleasant.)... How do ANY of my animals learn their names? In case you're wondering, Jipsy=Jade Pooka=Buster Mokey=Smokey Anners=Anastacia Mowgalie=Romeo Bimbo=Simba and Wormy-butt=Spookey. I think I had a post after Frizbee was put down... I'm handling that better than I thought I would, especially after what happened when Taffy was put down. I think about him every now and then, but always the good memories and not the vision of the vet forcing a needle into his vein and killing him in front of me (which is what happened to Taffy). I've never really confided in anyone what it was like when Taffy died. The only one who knows is my dad, because he was there with me. I have to say, getting an animal put to sleep is an extremely stressfull experience... I know it's always the owner saying they don't want to leave their pet and they want to be right there... But the truth is that you're ending their suffering, and that alone speaks volumes about how much you love them... That you can overcome your own sense of grief and fear of losing a loved one to put an animal to sleep that is old and dying slowly... Well... I mean, I also think it's ok to put an animal down, if it's a very old one, instead of surgery... Euthanasia is about 60 dollars, whereas surgery is about 500 or more and with an older animal there's no guarantee that it will even help. Taffy had the worst rotting teeth ever... She had lost about ten pounds in her last year because it was too painful for her to chew. She had huge sacs of poison in her face, and if they burst they would have killed her painfully. She was blind, and going deaf, and she was starting to lose control of her bladder. Somedays I would see her laying on the floor, crying in pain because she was sick from the poison, other days she would be exuberant like a puppy and she would jump all over me... For the last year I told my mother over and over than Taffy was fine and she didn't need to be put to sleep, but finally my eyes were opened to the horrible pain she was in. Sometimes she would just cry if you were petting her head, but she was so loving she would never bite or run away. Three times she got so sick that I worried she would die during the day while I was at school because there was no one home to care for her. She was put to sleep on November 17th, 2000, at 10 in the morning. I will never forget a single detail of that day. Not what happened inside the vets room, not what happened on the drive to my fathers, and not what happened while we buried her body. Even after she was buried I have a strong memory of the following hour and a half where I had breakfast with my dad. We ate at a little shop across the street from Dofasco. They had low low prices, and good food. Our eggs were sunny-side up, but the white wasn't completely cooked. I remember my dad complaining about it to me. He said, "I hate it when they don't cook the eggs all the way through. The gooey clear stuff makes me feel like I want to vomit." And he scraped it onto his plate with his fork. The bacon was nice and crispy, and the toast was only lightly browned. I had apple juice to drink, and I ate my toast with butter. Funny how such a sad day can stand out in my memory, even nearly six years later, and I can't even remember some of the best times in my life as clearly or even at all. My point was that Frizzbee's death was so much different. I still remember it clearly (from the car ride to Simcoe, and some of the discussion, to the place we went for lunch afterwards and the way we all toasted to Frizzbee's memory before we ate.) but it's not nearly as sad a memory as Taffy's. I can think abou Taffy and the day that stands out is the day she died, and the night before she died. With Frizzbee, the strongest memories are the good ones, or the silly ones. So much for having nothing to talk about, eh? Current Mood:  contemplative |
| Friday, December 23rd, 2005 | |
| 5:12 pm | Just a rant. What the hell is wrong with some people? I was just on 'Quizilla' and there's a tag called 'deprssion'. I'm like, ok so someone's making a quiz on depression? So I clicked it. I get about 50 results going "R U depressed or a POSER?" "how depresed r u?" "what suicide ru?" About 50 results along those lines. As someone who actually HAS depression, I find that a bit offensive. Why the hell is it popular to be depressed nowadays?! Why does every little stinking attention whore say, "I'm depressed! Look at me, I wear black and listen to punk rock music! I cut my wrists all the time! I try to commit suicide once a day!" Why is this cool? Why are so many people stupid? Depression isn't a frame of mind for popularity contests, it's a serious disease! There are people out there in the world who feel like they have nothing to live for and they don't know why. The confusion and AGONY of the soul these people have to go through (especially when they don't know what's wrong) is horrible. And kids think this is a cool way to feel? Grow up, get a life. I have depression and I don't act like a goth or punk for that reason. I have my own style, my own life. I FUCKING HATE TWINKIES. They used to be preps until, for god-only -knows what reason (I blame Emo music, personally... Or Enrique whatever his name is), depression and suicide became "cool". Yeah, really cool if your best friend kills themselves and you have to endure the pain of never being able to see that friend again. Really cool when you take your own life and leave your family behind in torture. Think about it, fools. Depression is not funny. It's a dangerous mental imbalance. Stop trying to be cool and get a life. |
| 4:46 pm | K I T A : Prologue KITA Prologue “Very good, Kitachi, that will be all for the day.” The old man placed his sword to one side and bowed his head to the young boy in front of him. “You have learned much from me, you will be ready for the festival this weekend.” Kita sheathed his own sword and bowed back, a radiant smile on his face. The festival came at the beginning of every year. The Kogorus eldest son would participate in a series of battles and fights, facing the toughest of his father’s guards, with only a sword. Kita had, very secretly, been using his allowance from his father and mother to buy lessons from the most talented sword fighter in the entire Kama district. He knew that plenty of other Kogorus had been disappointed by their son’s fighting skills, but Kita had been determined to not do that to his father. He remembered his initial displeasure at having found an old man at the end of this long reputation. He had been expecting a huge man with muscles and dozens of ladies swooning over him. Master Izuki had humbled him quickly after a demonstration sword battle where Kita hadn’t even managed to put one hit in. The next problem was how much he had protested at the mental training required to handle the sword. Master Izuki had fixed that problem, as well. Finally, he was prepared. “Thank you, Master Izuki, for teaching me.” Izuki smiled, making his face crinkle even more. “Do not be overconfident, Kitachi, or you will come to ruin.” Kita forced his grin down to a slight smile. “Yes, Master Izuki.” Izuki stood, patting Kita lightly on the shoulder. “You are welcome to return any time, my child. I haven’t had such an exciting sword practise in many long years. Go home now, make sure your father knows you are ready.” Kita all but flew home, feeling elated at finally having the chance to show his father how dedicated he was to one day becoming the Koguro himself. However he stopped dead in his tracks a few minutes away from his home. There was smoke rising in the trees. He slipped into the forest around his village and approached in caution, just another thing he had learned from his Master. Before long he encountered someone’s body haphazardly thrown into the woods. He slipped in the blood before he even had noticed the body and fell on top of it. Nausea overtook him as his hand landed over a gaping wound on the person’s abdomen. He fought it back and stood, unsheathing his sword quietly. He came up to the village from the backs of the houses where his shadow wouldn’t give away. It was the Nushiki Warriors, from the Yatai district. Lately there had been rumours that villages had been ambushed at night. Kita’s father had been frantic trying to find the source of the murders. Kita crept through the village towards his large home and managed to slip into the back door. He quickly advanced, listening carefully for any possible sound. Finally, he heard what he had been waiting for. “Where is the boy, you foolish old man? I won’t ask you again.” The voice was cold and nasal, but also full of threat. Kita couldn’t help himself and peered around the doorframe. “I will never tell you were my son is! Naish ete gaimo! Batokue han yatai!” Koguro Ninsei spit on the ground by the other man’s feet. Kita saw his mother tied up in the corner. The other man scowled and backhanded Ninsei off his feet. “Dirty Kama filth!” The man growled in his nasal voice. “How dare you spit at me! You and your people disgust me! I am so glad I’ve come into the power to defeat you all.” His lips turned up into an amused smile as Ninsei struggled to roll off his back without the use of his tied hands. “That’s right, wallow in the filth, you pig.” The man kicked Ninsei, hard, in the side of the head and the Koguro stilled. Kita felt tears stinging his eyes and blinked them away. His father would dislike seeing him cry. Only women cried. He heard his mother start to scream and cry in the room and it drew his attention back to what was happening. The man grabbed Taniko by the hair, yanking her to her feet. “You tell me, wench. Where is the boy?” Taniko sobbed and tried to struggle away, ignoring the question. “My patience is running thin, woman!” The man snapped, jerking his handful of hair to still her movements. “I ask you one more time, to spare yourself from the fate of the expired, foolish Koguro. WHERE is your SON?!” “Let her go!” Kita screamed, entering the room with both hands gripping his sword. “I am here! Let her be free!” “Kita! Leave, don’t be a fool!” His mother sobbed, but the man simply shoved her to one side. A grin spread across his face. “Ah, yes. I can tell the Seer’s vision was accurate. You look just as I had been told.” “State your business with my family!” Kita snarled, his grip on the sword tightening. He could barely see through the rage. The man rolled his eyes and put a hand to his hip. “Is it not enough that I was simply bored and decided to create trouble?” He laughed suddenly, gesturing to the lifeless Koguro. “I think you are down a family member, Kitahashi.” Kita’s rage came forth in an unearthly scream as he attacked the man in front of him. In the blink of an eye, Kita found his sword had met the sword of the other man. He couldn’t recall it being drawn. “You don’t know what I am,” stated the man, smiling as though people trying to kill him was an everyday occurrence. “You stand no chance.” “I practised with Master Izuki; I have more than enough skill to destroy one pathetic batokue!” “Do you think so?” Kita realized, suddenly, that the man was no longer in front of him. He turned to see that he had Taniko by the hair again. It seemed almost as though the world suddenly slowed as he looked into his mother’s eyes. It seemed hours while the man dragged his deadly sword across Taniko’s throat, sending blood down her beautiful robes in gushes. Kita vaguely remembered spilling his favourite berry juice on that dress once, and his mother had never been angrier at him in his life. He had been made to wash it until the stain came out of the fabric. Now it was ruined. Blinking heavily, he dimly noticed that the man had disarmed him while he had been in shock. Or perhaps it had also been too fast to see. He couldn’t tell. He felt the cold steel of the sword pressed against his neck and realized that it was actually scratching his skin, leaving small cuts. “I’ve been searching for you for three years, Kitachi Hyata. Three years of my life better spent putting my power towards accomplishment… Three years of waking up in a cold sweat from dreams of a shadowy figure standing over you as you lay, defeated and dying on the ground.” The man took a deep breath and let it out in a shaky sigh. “No more. I’m going to end this threat before it even has the chance to rise against me.” The man smirked, even though Kita couldn’t see it. “Goodbye, Koguro’s son. May we never meet again.” He went to draw his sword across Kita’s throat, but found his hand couldn’t move. “Nice try, batokue.” Kita yanked the hand with the sword forwards, drawing it off his neck, and broke the man’s arm over his shoulder. He screamed in pain and backed up, holding his fractured arm. His sword had fallen to the floor. He fell onto his knees and looked down, still clutching at the break as though it would mend itself. “Not so strong, are you?!” Kita yelled in rage, picking up the sword off the ground. “I’m going to avenge my family right now!” He attacked with the blade, but it stopped inches from the man’s head, deflecting off a kind of barrier. The blade hummed for a moment, its grey sheen turning to hot and angry red, and then in exploded sending fragments of metal across the room. Kita gasped and dropped the hilt as one grazed his cheek, leaving a deep tract in its wake. The man began to laugh and at first Kita mistook it for sobs. It grew louder, however, until there was no mistaking the sound. “You dare to injure me? Me, Dion Vivant? Ruler of Yatai?” He looked up and his eyes, which had been light blue, were yellow and his pupils were pinpricks. Kita backed up a step, shocked. Vivant’s earlier words echoed in his head, ‘You don’t know what I am…’ He could see that hadn’t been a lie to shake his courage. He took another step back as the full truth of the creature in front of him finally sank in. “You’re really a demon!” Vivant stood, his laughter ending abruptly. “You have the nerve to strike me? You didn’t know what you were dealing with, fool! I will destroy you!” Kita turned to run and the world around him erupted in flame and agony. “Master Izuki!” Sanjuro Izuki looked up from his dinner to see one of his students who had been practising in the duelling room standing outside the window of his sitting room. “Master Izuki, I’m sorry, but a boy has just come here! He’s very badly injured!” Sanjuro stood, nodding. “I will come and see, be calm now, young Naito.” He exited his sitting room and made his way out the front door. Sure enough, there was a boy there with a ring of fighters around him looking worried. His blood turned to ice as he realized who the boy was. “This is Kitachi Hyata! The Koguro’s son!” He knelt down next to the boy’s motionless body and pulled a mirror from his pocket. Placing it next to Kita’s mouth, he was relieved when it fogged up. “He is alive.” Kita wasn’t conscious, which was lucky as he was carried to his Master’s house because he couldn’t feel the hands on his burns or wounds. Sanjuro seated himself at the side of the small bed his students had placed Kita on and called for his healing supplies and his healer. Moments later, a young girl came into the room carrying a bag that looked very heavy. “You called, Master Izumi?” “Kiyoko-kayu, this is your chance to shine. Help me tend to his burns and wounds.” Kiyoko looked, wide-eyed, at the injured boy in front of her. She had never seen anything so horrible before, having mostly taken care of boys at practice if they accidentally cut themselves with their swords. Those were always little cuts and scrapes, usually never needing more than two or three stitches. “There is no time to be shocked, Kiyoko. In war, the life of those you are caring for would be forfeit.” “Yes, Master Izumi!” Kiyoko blushed furiously but kneeled down and opened the bag. “Allow me to prove to you how much I have improved since I arrived.” The two worked together for hours, binding broken bones, stitching cuts, and putting creams over the burns. Kita woke up twice in agony, but was unable to do anything except moan in pain before, mercifully, losing consciousness again. Sanjuro sat up, wiping sweat off his forehead, and saw one of his students running down the hall to the room. He stood up and exited the room, shutting the door so the commotion wouldn’t wake Kita again. “What is it, Chiba?” “Master Izumi, the Nushiki! The Nushiki is here!” Sanjuro strode past the boy and out the front door where he watched three men on horses ride up the path. One of them had his arm in a makeshift sling and look angry enough to kill without a second thought. Sanjuro walked down the path and stopped them a good distance away from his home. “What is it you want, soldier?” The one with the sling came down from his horse and the other two men followed his example. He stood a great deal taller than Sanjuro, but he was unarmed. He looked at Sanjuro’s own sword and decided against simply attacking. “I had so much trouble with the Koguro’s family I decided to eliminate anyone else who lived in the village.” “I do not live in the village, young umako. I live alone in the wilderness.” “Don’t be foolish! I don’t have time to listen to your tricks!” Snapped the man, his eyes narrowing. “Either step aside and let me take care of this little training hut you have and have your life spared, or get in my way and be destroyed.” “You are the one being foolish, young umako. There is but three of you. I have over thirty students practising inside my duelling room. I could call them out to me and you will be outnumbered.” Sanjuro smiled in an easy way. “And I myself am not without tricks. I do not wish to harm you so you may leave without being harmed.” The man stared for moment, and then began to laugh. “I like you, old fool. You have guts. I’ll leave you alone, for now.” He shook his finger then, like a mother scolding a child. “I will come back, though, to have your allegiance or your head.” He mounted his horse again and motioned to his men. “We leave now. The Kama army will show up soon and I wish to be far from here.” He left and didn’t look back, still laughing to himself. Sanjuro heard the students, who had been hiding in the trees all around ready to attack, give a sigh of relief. Dion Vivant was widely known as someone not to mess with. There was word to the south that he had risen through the ranks of the army and taken over power in the Yatai district. “Master Izumi, he could have killed you!” One of the kids said, jumping down from the branches. “Do you know who that was?” “I know more then you could ever imagine.” Sanjuro said softly, turning back to his house. He paused at the door and turned back to the kids. “If any more Nushiki think to come to my house, kill them. Dion will not return, not yet. For now, you are safe.” Another of the students spoke up, one of the younger ones. “But… But Master Izumi… He said that he killed the Kogoru’s village…” His lip trembled. “That is where my family was!” A few of the other students spoke up as well, adding their own worries. “The Koguro’s Village is no more.” He said quietly. “Do not return. There is nothing there for you. Instead train harder, to one day be prepared to avenge the deaths of your families.” With that, he went inside. He could hear some of the boys crying for their families but he didn’t go back out. Instead he went back into the room with Kiyoko and Kita. She was looking out the window. “The village is gone?” Sanjuro patted her shoulder gently. “I’m sorry, Kiyoko-kayu.” She only nodded. Over the tree tops, the smoke from the burning village rose into the orange sky of the late afternoon. The Koguro was no more. To Be Continued… Current Mood:  bouncy |
| 1:03 am | WOW! Hey hey, baby, I'm back! *kisses LJ* :) I've disappeared for half a year, but here's my update. I moved out of my father's house and into my mom's again. I got a job. I turned nineteen. I smoke weed. :) Anyhow, on with the real update. I just wanted to post a kind of idea I had, involving the sims 2 (which I haven't played in over a month. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. :))... I was thinking of making a house of sims, all with different backgrounds... You know, one was a drug addict but is trying to reform, one is a prim-and-proper bible thumper who does everything "by the book". So, basically, a reality TV show but on my LJ. So yea, do you like it, do you not like it? Most likely no one will reply and I will be doing this all by myself with no support. XD But, we know how I love to start things and never finish them. Such is the way of the scatterbrain. :P |
| Wednesday, August 10th, 2005 | |
| 2:24 am | Here. True Story. A religion teacher assigned her class an essay on what makes a good Christian. One student wrote about praying nightly, say no to abortion, banning gay marriage, and donating money. The other student wrote about talking to God and allowing people to enjoy their lives, and supporting gay marriage. The day the teacher was to hand the papers back, she called up the second student and told him she would pray for him when he went to hell. The student asked why would he be going to hell, and why he got an F on his paper. The teacher told him that Catholisim is against gay marriage. The student looked at her for a minute, then said aloud, "I'm gay." The teacher kicked him out of class as if he had said fuck or worshiped Satan. A girl in the back of class who had a boyfriend and was obviously straight got up and left too. If you would leave the classroom, repost this. It doesn't matter if you're straight, bi, or gay. It doesn't matter if you're catholic or not. Everyone is a human being and deserves happiness. |
| 1:59 am | A survey |
| Friday, July 8th, 2005 | |
| 5:26 pm | :sigh: Not doing very good... I just broke up with Dwayne (who everyone knows was my boyfriend of almost 6 months)... I feel like...maybe it's something I did wrong. I know it's probably just SAD talking, but... I can't help my feelings. I've talked to Nicki for a while and I feel a bit better, but... I still... don't know. I really loved him. A lot. I should say LOVED. I should say LOVE. I can't just cancel out my feelings (even though I wish I could). I feel like I lost my only chance at love. Who else is going to even consider dating me? hating life ----Ammie |
| Wednesday, June 1st, 2005 | |
| 10:49 am | A break. I need a break from the Legacy family for a little bit. It's working great, but I just need something else to keep me busy in the mean time. Any suggestions? Or perhaps I'll stick it out and keep playing them. I need to get Megumi to halfway through her teen years so that she can go to college. I think I'm going to have someone in the dorm that her brother's in drop out so that she can join them in that dorm. I think I might get rid of Maria Nouvella. Heart broken due to Hunter's betrayal of her love, she drops out of college and leaves. Megumi arrives at Sim State U, and soon she finds herself falling for the romantic and oh-so-handsome Hunter Kim... Unfortunately, Stuart also finds himself falling for the man's charms. No more spoilers. They're bad. >:) |
| Sunday, May 15th, 2005 | |
| 3:27 am | A good idea!! Well, I was thinking how much I hate the default maxis sims 2 neighborhoods... SO! I looked for a new one and I finally found it... It's got a beautiful scenic area around it... I would like to call it 'Volcano Island'... Now, to justify moving the Akane Legacy to this neighborhood... Michiko goes to college and meets a boy there... She gets a crush on him, and she goes out with him a few times... but he uses her and then leaves her... Hurt and distraught that she didn't wait until marriage, she goes to her parents crying... A few days later, Sean sees the man in his hospital... Angry beyond belief, he kidnaps the boy and brings him home, locking him in the shed out back. He fixes the boy a poisoned meal and feeds it to him... every day, he feeds him poison until the boy dies... In the meanwhile, a search breaks out for the boy, and Sean tells Akane what he did. Terrified, Akane tells him to turn himself in before their whole family gets into trouble... Sean suggests moving, so they agree on that idea. Naoko and Nobu think it's because Sean got a job transfer to a new town, but Akane and Sean sit Michiko down and tell her what he did. Michiko quickly thanks her father for what he did, but tells him never to do such a thing again. They move away, never to be seen in Crystal Valley again... That's all! Bai bai! |
| Friday, May 13th, 2005 | |
| 10:22 am | ARGH I'm so frustrated. I just found out today that my so-called friend Jessica has been calling me a whore behind my back, just because I didn't want to go to her house yesterday. That's the last straw, for me. I'm not going to be her friend anymore... I can't take this. I'm having a rough time and I don't need to have to deal with her crap in addition to what I'm going through already. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm considering being "bad" like I used to be... I'm just saying, it's getting tough again and I'm still fighting. Trying, at least. Sometimes it gets so hard I just want to curl up and disappear forever, but... Oh well. When I say goodbye to Jessica, it'll be one less thing I have to worry about. I don't even care if she tries to spread rumors about me... None of my real friends will stand for that. Dwayne least of all. He already told me as much... It's touching, really, that he loves me so much that he'd stand up to Jessica for me. I'm going out for lunch today... Just cause everyone else is going and I don't want to be all alone. Oh well. Oh yeah, today's my four-month with Dwayne... He's leaving me, too. I think I'll call him when I get home, though, if I don't have a chance to say good bye today... Maybe he'll stop by resource after this class is over to kiss me goodbye and tell me he loves me... That would be really sweet... Can't expect him to do that though. :P I gotta be realistic. Anyhow, what I really started this post to do was to update on my legacy family. Unfortunately, I can't do the picture thing right now, but I think I can get pics on the weekend. I might put the pictures on a CD and take them to Dan's, then post from there. Ok, updates worth mentioning: Michiko got into Private School Naoko and Nobu became children Michiko became a (VERY GORGEOUS) teenager. The family moved (again). Well, Michiko is going to spend half her teenage life being a teen, and then when she's...maybe...10 days from adult, I'm going to move her into Academie Le Tour and have her become a young adult. I don't have any possible boyfriends for her yet, but I'm considering the young counter-clerk at the boutique in the strip mall near their old house. He's attractive, and he has the same look as Akane (asian). He's got brown hair and green eyes, and dark tan skin... So we can keep the tan/dark skin in the family (I love it, it's so exotic)... I'm looking at Michiko being the heir to the family fortune... but once you all get a look at the equally gorgeous Naoko... you might advise me otherwise. Nobu didn't turn out as attractive as I had hoped... So he won't be the heir. :( He has his mother's gorgeous eyes and nose, but his father's full, wide lips... It looks more or less clown-ish on him. Maybe he'll get better with age, but I don't know. I really don't. So far Michiko is my candidate for heir. She's a Knowledge Sim (Really, this was RANDOMLY chosen! It's the aspiration I wanted for her :P She's VERY smart, always getting A+s in school...). If she falls in love with the clerk in the mall, I think I'll move him into a "Foster" family (run by a young woman, probably) and I'll send him to University along with Michiko... Their children would be MODELS. I swear it. Anyways, gonna go. Class is almost over. Love, Ammie |
| Thursday, May 12th, 2005 | |
| 10:14 am | Trying...(Frizzbee-related) I'm trying to be strong. I really am. But for some reason, as the 24th grows closer, I feel increasingly unable to restrain myself from crying. My head hurts, and my heart hurts, and I know I'm going to miss him when he's gone. Even after all the years of poking him, teasing him, making him bite me... I really do love him. And I'm going to miss him. I'm REALLY going to miss him... I think that... I'm going to work on a poem for him. I'll post it on here when I finish it... I'm going to pour all my feelings into this, so that everyone can tell how much I loved him once he's gone. Frizzbee... He's a good cat. Even though he always starts fights with my dog, and even though he's loud and annoying a lot of the time, he's still the sweetest cat I've ever known. I still remember when he was a kitten. He was the only one in his litter with a pink nose. He was scared of his food dish, too. Funny, because he ended up with such a tummy on him... Well, not now. He's barely even there anymore. He's just skin and bones. I guess old age is finally taking it's toll on him. How do you say good bye to a pet, a friend, who's been there for 15 years of your life? I can't even think of what life would have been like without him. He made things exciting with his weird quirks and attitude. I can only imagine that, in the spirit world, he's going to chase Taffy all over the place. The memory of those two always brings a smile to my face, even though it never did back when he DID chase her around. My last weekend with him is coming up. I'm going to spend the long weekend at my mom's and just snuggle him and pet him and make him feel loved... Tuesday the 24th, I'm going to Simcoe with my mom, sister, and grandma to get him euthanized. I don't know yet if I'm going to come to school on the 25th. I probably should, because it's a placement day... Oh man... what am I going to tell those little kids if I start crying? I can't tell them my cat is dead, because they don't understand that. I don't know what I'm going to do... Oh well, gotta sign out now cause I'm in school. I just had to get this off my chest. Love, Ammie |
| Wednesday, May 11th, 2005 | |
| 12:40 am | Contest The contest is as follows: Adrienne VS Alyssa (Already in process, 4 votes. They're tied now.)  Adrienne : 2 Votes (Dan, Nicki)  Alyssa : 2 Votes (Amanda, Sarah) And now for the others! Yumi VS Juba  Yumi : 1 Vote (Amanda)  Juba : 0 Votes Xiao VS Kimi  Xiao : 0 Votes  Kimi : 1 Vote (Amanda) Stella VS Atali  Stella : 1 Vote (Amanda)  Atali : 0 Votes All right! Everyone send me your votes! :D |
| 12:27 am | Second try! I'm going to attempt to post more pictures... It didn't want to help me last time... This time I might just link to them, if I can't get them to work.  (All right! Got it working now!)       And the house! The Wedding Chapel  The Nursery/Children's Room  The Master Bedroom  The Bathroom (First Shot)  The Bathroom (Second Shot)  The Living Room  The Kitchen/Dining Room  The Workout Room  There we go! Contest pictures to follow! :D |
| Tuesday, May 10th, 2005 | |
| 10:18 am | Feeling blah I haven't told Sarah yet, but I don't think I'm going to go to her party... I'm having a blah week so far, and I don't know if Dan still wants to go or not. Really, all I want to do is stay home and play the sims. I got a needle yesterday. My Meningitus vaccine. My arm is killing me right now, I feel a BAD headache coming on, and I'm STILL exhausted even though I slept almost all afternoon and night yesterday. Though it took me a long time to fall asleep once my arm started killing me... I couldn't get comfortable so I tossed and turned and finally managed to fall asleep on my back, which people who have seen me sleep often know I NEVER do. I ALWAYS fall asleep on my side or stomach, never on my back. Except tonight. I put a pillow under my arm and all was well again. An update on my legacy sim... Akane is a mere 7 days from her final stage of life. Elder. Only 7 days! *cries* I'm going to miss her adult stage so much once she transitions! Sean is still about 11 days from being an elder. Michiko is 4 days from being a teen, and she just got accepted into private school. She's a regular brain and she always gets A+'s on her report cards. *wipes away a tear* I'm so proud of her. ^_^'' I don't know if I mentioned this... Akane gave birth to twins! I named them Nobu and Naoko. Nobu has his mother's face (mostly), black hair, brown eyes, and the darkest skin... Naoko has her daddy's face (like Michiko), black hair, brown eyes, and light tan skin. They both have learned to walk and talk, but only Naoko is potty trained. Akane is fit, which is rare for my sims, but she still has no job. Sean is an intern now, and his lifetime goal is to be the Chief of Staff at the hospital... Almost there, just a couple more job levels, then he'll be guaranteed a platinum gravestone when he dies. The contest... Well, I haven't been doing much with it. ^_^''' Sorry about that. I don't know if I'm going to keep this up. More than likely I'm going to change everything around. I'm thinking I may just do a legacy beauty contest instead... So as the generations go on I'll just have a competition with all my sims as the legacy continues... That's the only house I'm playing. I'm not even playing my DBZ house, which was also a legacy... Bulma just got preggers before I quit to make the Akane Legacy... Which I've been playing ever since... I really want to post pictures of the house. I took pictures in every room. It took me hours to build the whole thing. I didn't take pictures of the pool or graveyard though. I'll probably take a picture of the graveyard when stuff is in it... I still cheated a bit on the legacy though. ^_^''' I'm not as addicted as I was before, but I still need my occasional cheat-fix. I did motherlode to give them a nice big home, and I VERY RARELY cheat to improve their moods using the boolprop cheat. If they're about to die I use it. Surprisingly it doesn't happen very often with my twins... Probably because Akane is STILL jobless. She's quite the stay at home mom... She's got lots of cooking skills now! In fact, her spaghetti dinner is what impressed Headmaster Craig Bertino so much that he happily accepted Michiko into the provate school. Well, maybe this weekend I'll be home, maybe I'll be in Hamilton. It's been two weeks since I've seen Dani-chan, and I NEED my Dan fix! ^_^ So hopefully this weekend I can go to Dan's on Friday and stay there all weekend! We gotta get some Chinese food again! I'm dying for Ma Po Tofu! ^_^''' I'll try to coax my dad into giving me a twenty, because I've been in perfect school attendance for two weeks now (deserves a big reward!). In other sad, depressing news... My mom has informed me that Frizbee, a cat we've had since he was born 15 years ago, is going to be put to sleep in two weeks... I haven't cried about it yet. I'm scared that I won't cry. I feel like I'm going to, though. If anyone mentions death and loss during lunch, I am going to break. I hope that everyone doesn't freak out, since I never cry at school... Anyhow... Dani-chan, if you read this then send me an e-mail and try to confirm this weekend! I really want to hang out with you! We have lots to catch up on. Writing, Girl talk, Snacking on salt-coated goodness, Movies... And... Huggles and snuggles! ^_^ This will be a lot more fun than a party, really... Sorry to Sarah, again. I just don't feel like partying down this weekend... I'm ok being alone, and I'm ok with Dani-chan, but that's about it. I need a break. Anyhow, gonna end this now! Love, Ammie XOXO Current Mood:  blah |
| Thursday, May 5th, 2005 | |
| 10:11 am | From School Just a quick little update... I am doing the contest via-MSN, so I already have my votes for the first two pretty ladies. :) Adrienne : 2 Votes (Dan, and Nicki) Alyssa : 2 Votes (Me and Sarah) Now I'm hoping to catch Jessica(s) online to ask their opinions... And I have to get Sami to vote. If I REALLY need a tiebreaker, I'll just ask my dad or something. Or maybe some random person online. That works too. I hope Alyssa wins cause I like her best. Adrienne looks mean and angry all the time. :( Augh, dumb ties. I think Sami will vote for Alyssa so :P Haha! Remember, the loser of this round dies. :P Next Round Up: Yumi VS Xiao Ti-an I hope Yumi wins cause I like her best. :D Haha. Well she IS the prettiest, after all. But Sami has already cast her vote for Xiao, so she has one vote, as does Yumi... Well, maybe I should do them all at once... Ok, Adrienne VS Alyssa Yumi VS Xiao Ti-an Atali VS Juba Kimi VS Stella That's all eight! Ask for pics and ye shal recieve! :D I cast my votes for: Alyssa, Yumi, Juba, and Stela (who is my favorite of the whole competition!) Bye bye, break is over! *hugs and kisses!* |
| Wednesday, May 4th, 2005 | |
| 3:56 pm | Contest Part 1 EDIT: I'm having huge problems with this fucking thing right now, so the contest has to be delayed... I might just do it by e-mail. |
| Monday, May 2nd, 2005 | |
| 10:19 am | Woah! Heehee, this was an update long in the making! Just cause I don't have much to say, really. I just got my computer upgraded! It runs the sims2 nice and smooth! Expect a new beauty contest soon! This one, however, will be BUILT for the purpose. I will make a house of eight ladies, and a house of eight men. I will take pictures of each of them and post them up. The loser of the round dies every time until only one winner is left. Then the two winners of the contests will fall in love and make babies together, thus creating a new legacy family. :D So, yes. My newest sim, Akane, won't be in this contest because...Well... I don't want her to die! :'( She wouldn't end up dying, probably, because she is SO beautiful! But still. I'll ALSO post pictures of Akane and probably dedicate a section of journal just to her life. :) She's pregnant right now, but she's not showing yet. I'll start this journal when I get home. So here we go... All the contestants will be of a different descent (or origin, if you will) so no one sim will look alike. FEMALES Sim 1: Alyssa; A beautiful American girl from New York. She loves animal print, shopping, and boys. She has brown hair and dark blue eyes. She has pale skin. (Romance Sim) Sim 2: Stella; A young woman from Italy. She's a very good cook and also very sweet, but she believes in raising a child with discipline. She has brown hair and brown eyes. She has dark tan skin. (Family Sim) Sim 3: Yumi; A petite Japanese girl. She is shy and kind, and her biggest passion is gardening. She hopes to one day have a garden all on her own. She has black hair and brown eyes. She has light tan skin. (Family Sim) Sim 4: Xiao Ti-an; A fiery tempered Chinese woman. She's not at all the demure woman that is expected by the Patriarchal society, but a hard-headed, hot-tempered b****! She has brown hair and black eyes. She has dark tan skin. (Knowledge Sim) Sim 5: Atali; A beautiful Swedish woman. She is heavy-set, but she doesn't let that interfere with her beauty. She's very intelligent and has always dreamed of being a scientist. She has blonde hair and light blue eyes. She has pale skin. (Knowledge Sim) Sim 6: Adrienne; A very outgoing French lady. She comes from a rich family, and you can tell. She has a passion for shopping and makeovers. She dreams of being a model, or an actress. She has blonde hair and amber eyes. She has pale skin. (Popularity Sim) Sim 7: Kimi; A gorgeous woman of Native American descent. Tuned to the ways of her people, she is very into nature and extremely spiritual. Often she can be found meditating. She has black hair and black eyes. She has dark tan skin. (Knowledge Sim) Sim 8: Juba; An African woman with unbelievable beauty. She wants nothing more than to raise a large family so she can share her giving and loving nature with many children. She has black hair and brown eyes. She has dark skin. (Family Sim) Now the guys! :P MALES Sim 1: Ashley; A german man with a shy nature. He is very quiet, especially around women. His whole life he's been told he's not good enough. He has brown hair and dark blue eyes. He has pale skin. (Family Sim) Sim 2: Marius; A fiery Spanish man. He loves women and he's not afraid to show it. Every second he gets, he hits on someone new. He has a sharp wit and is a bit of a bully. He has black hair and brown eyes. He has dark tan skin. (Romance Sim) Sim 3: Percival; A funny Irishman. His passion in life is jokes. He lives to make others laugh, and for his friends. He has such a friendly face that every woman who meets him immediately falls for him. He has red hair and green eyes. He has pale skin. (Popularity Sim) Sim 4: Kojiro; A quiet Japanese man. He is very polite, but also very distant. It's extremely hard to convince him to speak, as he is much closer to his technology than to people. He has black hair and brown eyes. He has light tan skin. (Knowledge Sim) Sim 5: Cain; A gorgeous man of Greek descent. He is aware of his beauty and often uses it to his advantage. He is shameless and is proud of it. However, he is always friendly to everyone. (Romance Sim) Sim 6: Tao; A Chinese man with a thirst for business. Ever since he arrived in Sim City, all he could do was concentrate on his money and success. He probably has no time for a family, but that's all right. He doesn't mind. He has brown hair and brown eyes. He has dark tan skin. (Fortune Sim) Sim 7: Noel; A British man who wants a family. Although he wishes for luck in love, he's never had any before. Sometimes he wonders if he's cursed. He has brown hair and light blue eyes. He has pale skin. (Family Sim) Sim 8: Chisisi; A beautiful Egyptian man who is very outgoing and popular. Unlike the other outgoing males, however, he is not a romancer. He simply loves friends, and loves company. He is ignorant of the women swooning over him, simply because he is slightly... Stupid. He has black hair and black eyes. He has dark tan skin. (Popularity Sim) All right! That's all for now! I'll make them tonight and take the first set of pictures. Second set will come after a makeover. So, in the beginning (before the contest starts) all women will have no makeup, same with the men. I will make them over for the contest. So, yeah! Tell me what you all think! This is Amanda, signing out! Current Mood:  PLATINUM, BABY! |
| Thursday, April 7th, 2005 | |
| 5:24 pm | A simple story A/N: I had to write this. I HAD to. I'm sorry, Dan, don't kill me! :P I know I shouldn't write without you...but... I mean, I DO write both Goku and Vegeta... Vegeta dodged a punch aimed at his head by his sparring partner, and the only person on the planet that he truly trusted. "You're going to have to be faster than that to beat me, Kakarotto!" He taunted, a grin on his face. There was nothing on the planet Earth he loved more than training the lower-class Saiya-jin to be stronger. Every time they got together for a fight, Vegeta would push him just a little harder, make it last a little longer. Each time, Goku became stronger, though he was still nowhere near Vegeta's level. He still didn't think Goku would be able to handle Super Saiya-jin, so he hadn't yet revealed that form to his trainee. Goku, his breathing heavy, attempted another punch but missed. His brow furrowed in frustration. No matter how quickly he moved today, it just wan't quick enough. He knew Vegeta was a more superior warrior than himself, but a month ago he had come closer to hitting Vegeta than he had in the whole six years they had spent together since Vegeta had shown up on the planet with the two other Saiya-jins. Yesterday his punches had been slow, but on target. Vegeta had been blocking, not dodging. Today his punches were sluggish and badly aimed. His vision swam as a pain in his chest nearly made him lose conciousness. He had been having pains like that randomly for quite a few weeks, and from experience he knew it would stop soon. Distracted by the pain, he didn't notice Vegeta's fist. He blinked in surprise as he found himself sitting against the wall across the room, his jaw aching. The pain in his chest dulled for the moment, replaced by the throb from the blow he had just recieved. "Kakarotto, I apologize." Vegeta looked concerned as he crossed the room. "Did I hurt you?" "No, I'm fine." Goku said weakly, struggling to his feet. However, the act of standing brought the pain in his chest back, worse than it had been. Something was wrong. Usually it was gone by now. Goku's vision blurred again, and he staggered slightly, fighting unconciousness. "Kakarotto?" Vegeta placed his hand on the taller Saiya-jin's shoulder, to steady him. "Are you sure?" Goku's hand came up to his chest, clutching his shirt over the spot where the pain was radiating from. His breath began coming in short, quick gasps. "Something's....wrong..." He whispered, sweat beginning to bead on his forehead. "Vegetaaa..." The last syllabel in the word was drawn out as Goku's knees buckled, nearly sending him to the floor. He leaned, instead, against Vegeta for support. "Get...Bulma..." He choked, his fist tightening over the spot on his chest. Vegeta felt panic rising in him. What was wrong with Goku?! "I'll take you to the medical wing, then get her... Come on, Kakarotto, walk with me. I can't carry you." Vegeta took a step forward and relief flooded through him as Goku took a weak step along with him. "That's good... It won't take too long, I promise you..." Goku was lost in a world of pain and hurt. The only thing he could recognize was Vegeta's voice, encouraging him to keep walking. Though he could no longer see through the pain, he trusted Vegeta enough to follow blindly. He could feel the other Saiya-jins arm around his waist anyhow, leading him. "Vegetaaa..." He mumbled. "It...hurts...so much..." "I know, Kakarotto... Be strong. Whatever this is, fight it. With all your strength. Fight like only a Saiya-jin can." Vegeta managed to keep the worried tone from his voice, not wanting to scare Goku. Vegeta never sounded worried, and the unfamiliar note in his voice would no doubt scare Goku. Soon they had reached the medical room and Vegeta couldn't believe his luck when he saw Bulma right there, giving the equipment her monthly inspection. "Bulma, Kakarotto needs help." She didn't look up and her tone was accusing. "Didn't I tell you to take it easy on him while you're training, Vegeta?" "I did." Vegeta replied, anger rising in his voice. "This time it's not my fault! Now move your ass, woman! I think he's dying!" Bulma dropped her tools quickly and rose from her chair, turning around. "Oh my god, Goku! What's wrong?!" She assisted Vegeta in getting Goku to lay down on the small bed and brushed back his bangs to feel his forehead. "Oh, he's burning up! Vegeta, grab me a cloth from that cabinet there and run it under the cold water for a few seconds!" Vegeta, instead of protesting being ordered around, immediately jumped to do what he was commanded to do. He wrung out the cloth quickly and handed it to Bulma, watching as she folded it twice and layed it across his forehead. "What's wrong with him?" Now he couldn't keep the worry from his voice, but it didn't seem to matter. Goku was now in a nearly unconcious state, panting heavily. He wouldn't be able to hear Vegeta anymore. "I don't know yet." Bulma, too, sounded worried. "I thought Saiya-jin don't get sick." "We don't." Vegeta replied flatly, his tail twitching in his nervousness. "I don't know what's happening." "I'll need to run some tests." Bulma said, her voice clearly ringing with authority. "You have to stay in case he wakes up." "Why?" "Because you'll have to hold him down." She replied, matter-of-factly. "He hates the hospital wing. He'll try to run." Vegeta didn't think Goku had the ability to much of anything at the moment, but he didn't reply. Instead he just pulled up a chair next to the top of the bed and put his fingers to the side of Goku's head. He shut his eyes, concentrating, and allowed his ki to flow into Goku, melding with his weaker ki and strengthening him a little. "Be careful." Bulma warned as she prepared a needle. "Don't give him too much energy or you'll keep him awake." Vegeta opened one eye and looked at her, his eyes dull. "I'm not waking him. I'm putting him to sleep." Bulma paused a moment, watching as Vegeta shut his eyes again and a pure white glow surrounded his fingers. Her eyes widened in surprise as Goku's hand slowly released the grip on his gi and relaxed, sliding down to rest next to him, and his breathing became more even. She looked at Vegeta, who had an expression of pain on his face. "Vegeta?" "It's his heart." She looked puzzled as she finally drew blood from Goku's arm. "What do you mean?" "The problem is in his heart. I can feel it." She withdrew the needle and went to her microscope, to check the blood. "How can you feel it." Vegeta, taking his fingers away from Goku, touched the mark on his neck unconciously. "Because I just can." Bulma was silent, her attention focused on the microscope now. Vegeta gently took Goku's hand in his own and licked his lips in his anxiety. "Fight it, Kakarotto... I need you to fight it." "Vegetaaa..." Goku mumbled in his sleep, his facial features tightening for a moment. However, as though he could feel it when Vegeta gave his hand a reassuring squeeze, he relaxed again. True to what Bulma had said, he was burning up. His face was flushed with fever and small droplets of sweat had broken out all over his face. Vegeta retrieved another cloth from the cabinet and, after wetting it too, began to quietly and gently pat it on Goku's face, getting rid of the sweat and leaving cool, clean water in it's place. He also dabbed the cloth on Goku's neck. His anxiety was growing with every passing second. Through his bond to Goku, he could feel the pain radiating from his heart. He was angry at himself for not noticing it earlier, before it was too late. "I don't even recognize this." Bulma said, her tone worried. "I've never seen such a virus before." Vegeta felt his heart nearly stop at her words. He knew that Bulma could recognize every virus in existance, it was one of the things she bragged about. Being unable to recognize one was a very bad sign. "Maybe you're looking at it upside down?" "No, this is a new virus. There's... There's no cure for this." She spoke with a flat finality. "Vegeta-" "Don't you DARE speak to me if you're going to tell me what I think you are!" He snapped, getting to his feet. His eyes were narrowed dangerously. "You're rich. Buy scientists. Find a cure." "It's not that simple, Vegeta..." She turned to look at him, her expression pained. "He won't be able to last-" "NO!" Vegeta smashed his hand down onto the counter beside him, breaking the white marble into peices. "I will NOT accept this! You WILL cure this disease!" Bulma didn't looked scared in the face of his wrath. She never did. She only looked depressed. "I'm sorry, Vegeta." "Don't apologize to me!" He screamed, vaguely aware of his power rising. "Don't you DARE try to tell me he's going to... To..." As suddenly as his rage had come on, it died. He choked back a sob as he sank into the chair next to Goku's bed. He realized he was crying, but he didn't care. If Goku died... Nothing mattered except the life of his mate. Nothing. "Please." Vegeta whispered, not looking at Bulma. "Please. You have to try to save him." Bulma looked at Vegeta, her expression one of shock. She hadn't even thought that Vegeta could cry. She was beginning to understand something about the relationship the two of them shared, and she knew Chi Chi would explode in rage if she only knew. She hadn't thought it was serious enough that Vegeta woud cry for Goku, though. Vegeta's expression of sadness and terror at the aspect of losing Goku finally brought her to her senses. "I'll call the best scientists I know. They'll work around the clock. We'll save him." Vegeta looked up at her now, tears still running down his face. "Thank you." "Anything to make the father of my children happy." She smiled, as she rose from her spot near the microscope. She crossed the room to Vegeta and drew him into a hug. He didn't return the embrace, he never did that for her, but he leaned into the touch. She could tell he was grateful, even if he would never admit it. "We'll save him." She repeated, "if you can keep him fighting it with all his strength." "He's a true saiya-jin." Vegeta said, finally pushing out of the hug. "He will fight. He will live." ***** It had been nearly a week since Goku's disease had put him in the hospital wing of Capsule Corporation. The times when Goku was strong enough to get up and walk around were becoming few and far between. Vegeta had been with him every day, almost every waking moment. He only left the room to shower. He had even put his constant training on pause. Goku was more important than fighting. At the moment, Goku was sitting silently at the window of the room, looking outside. He had been very silent all week, completely unlike his normal, cheerful self. Vegeta was perched on the window-sill, looking at Goku. He looked so different... Pale, weak... Lifeless. Nothing Vegeta had said could pull Goku out of the depression he was in. "Are... you hungry?" Vegeta asked, breaking the silence. Goku hadn't eaten in the past few days. "No." Goku answered. His voice was flat. It was breaking Vegeta's heart to see him like this. "Tired? Maybe you should rest?" "I'll rest enough, once I die." The words stung Vegeta like a slap to the face. He turned his face to look out the window, so Goku wouldn't see how much those words had hurt him. "You have to keep your strength up, so you can fight it." Goku was silent, staring out the window at nothing. The silence was defeaning. Vegeta felt like he didn't know Goku anymore. The aura of sadness surrounding him was something Vegeta had never experienced before, not anywhere. He didn't know where the flame of life had gone, only that it no longer seemed to be thriving within his mate's eyes. Vegeta reached out and put his hand on Goku's cheek, a gesture of love and affection. Goku never looked away from the outdoors. He didn't lean into the touch. He didn't aknowledge Vegeta's presence at all. He was still burning with fever, but it was lower than it usually was. "Kakarotto..." Vegeta whispered, barely able to get the word out around the lump in his throat. He felt completely hopeless. How was he going to convince Goku to fight this disease off if the other man wouldn't even notice him anymore. At the sound of his Saiya-jin name, Goku's eyes slowly turned from the window to Vegeta. They locked with Vegeta's eyes. There was no life left in them. Dull brown gazed at despaired black, without passion. Without anything. "I'm dying, Vegeta. Stop trying to tell me otherwise." He brushed Vegeta's hand away from his face and stood, somewhat weakly. "I'm going to go to bed now. I want to be alone." "Kakarotto, please..." "Leave." Vegeta sighed in defeat and left the room like Goku wanted. After he shut the door, however, he simply sat down on the floor in the hall. He wouldn't leave that area for the rest of the night. In the morning, he would take Goku his breakfast, like he always did. He would hope for a change, like he always did. His hope was beginning to fade, though. "Vegeta?" He looked up and met the eyes of Chi Chi. He hated that woman. She hadn't been in to see Goku since she first found out about his disease. Vegeta wanted to kill her. He didn't. Goku still loved her. "What do you want?" "I came to see Goku." Despite herself, her voice carried a note of worry. "Why are you out here? Bulma told me you've been sleeping in the chair next to his bed." "He's trying to get to sleep right now. He told me to leave." Vegeta looked away. "I'll go back in once he's asleep." "I brought Gohan and Goten to see him... Bulma... Told me he's been feeling a little... Unlike his normal self. I thought maybe the boys would be able to cheer him up." Vegeta nodded slowly. "It's worth a shot. For once in your life, woman, I think you might actually be doing something good for him." Chi Chi glared at Vegeta, angry at the comment. "How dare you! I love Goku!" "Then why haven't you been here by his side like I have?!" Vegeta snapped, getting to his feet. "Why haven't you come to see him at all?! If you truly loved him, you would be here when he needs you most! But you're not!" "I have a life!" Chi Chi retorted, her fists clenched. "I have to care for my children and keep my house clean and tidy! I have to work so I can afford to feed my family! I can't drop everything to be with him all the time!" "If you loved him," Vegeta said firmly, "you would." Chi Chi growled in annoyance. "I'm going to get the boys. Tell Goku we're here, would you?" And with that, she turned and stormed off down the hall. End of discussion. Vegeta pushed open the door to Goku's room and walked to his side. Goku was staring blankly at the ceiling. "Your woman brought your sons." "I heard." "Do you want to see them?" Goku was silent for a moment, then he said, "She loves me, you know." "I know." "In her own way, she loves me." "Not like I do." Vegeta whispered. Goku turned his eyes to Vegeta. They were filled with pain. "I don't want to die." Tears filled his eyes. "I don't want to die, Vegeta..." Vegeta, relieved by Goku's expression of emotion after so long, was quick to sit down and wrap Goku in his arms. "You're not going to die... Bulma is working on a cure... You just have to fight long enough for her to administer it..." He felt relief flood through him even more as Goku's arms returned the embrace. He could feel the weaker man sobbing against his shoulder. He gently ran his fingers through Goku's hair, making small, soothing noises. After a few moments, the tears subsided and Goku finally let go of Vegeta, pushing back slightly. He wiped his eyes and swallowed heavily. "Chi Chi is coming back now." Vegeta understood and got off the bed. They still hadn't tol Chi Chi they were more than just sparring partners. She would never accept Goku. Vegeta understood that, and understood Goku not wanting to lose her. He had agreed to keep their bond a secret, until the time was right. Seconds later, five year old Goten burst into the room, wailing miserably. "Daddy!" He cried, scrambling up onto the bed. He threw his small, chubby arms around Goku's neck. "Mommy said you're sick! Are you sick? You're gonna be ok, right Daddy?" Goku smiled brightly, in the manner he always did. Vegeta could see it was forced. No one else would be able to tell. "Of course I'll be ok, Goten! I've just got the flu, that's all. Don't worry." He pushed back Goten's tangle of hair and kissed his forehead. "Have you been a good boy for Mommy?" Goten nodded enthusiastically, hiccuping slightly. His tears forgotten, he sat down on Goku's lap and began chattering away about all the things he had been up to lately. It was hard to tell where one word began and ended before the next word started. Mostly his stories were about his adventures with Trunks and Bra. The three of them were inseperable, and Chi Chi always watched them during the day while Bulma was working, if Bulma's mother wasn't available. Apparently Trunks had found a nest of lizard eggs and they had watched them every day for a week until they hatched. "I named mine Goku, like you Daddy! My lizard is the biggest and strongest! Bra said we should have named him Vegeta, but I insisted on your name, Daddy! Cause you're the best!" Chi Chi, who had joined the room somewhere halfway through the story, lifted Goten off his father's lap. "That's enough, Goten. Let your brother talk to your father." "Awww man..." Goten pouted, but didn't resist his mother's will. He probably knew better already. Gohan, who had been silent, came foward and stood nervously near the side of the bed. He was only fifteen years old. He knew the truth of what was going on. He, like Vegeta, could see through the fake smile. "Dad..." Goku's smiled faultered at the expression on Gohan's face. "Gohan, don't... Don't worry about me. I'll be fine." Gohan swallow heavily, tears brimming in his eyes. He hadn't cried since he was a child. Not since Piccolo had trained him. He cried now. "Dad, I'm scared..." He sniffled miserably, hugging himself. Goku had never been an affectionate father, really. He never really hugged his sons, maybe on the rare occasion. But now he reached out and pulled Gohan to him. He didn't say a word, he just hugged him. Gohan was still for a moment, and then his shoulders began to shake. The only sign he was crying. He didn't make a sound, only the motion. The two stayed like that for a while, until Gohan's tremors subsided. Gohan was the one to pull away, straightening himself out. His eyes were puffy and red, but he looked more sure of himself than he had before. "Don't be scared." Goku finally said, and this time gave Gohan a genuine smile. The effect was contagious, and Gohan grinned back, despite the circumstances. "All right, you boys can see he's all right now." Chi Chi announced loudly, her hand on the doorknob. "Time for us to go." She opened the door and herded the boys out, but didn't leave herself. She looked at Vegeta and said, "Gohan has a test tomorrow. He needs my help to study." She was explaining herself, her reasons for leaving. "And my father threw his back out again. He needs me to bring him food and clean up a little for him." Vegeta stared at her, his facial expression blank, but his eyes burning with anger. He said nothing, however. He didn't want to upset Goku. She crossed the room and placed a gentle kiss on Goku's cheek. "I'll try to make it here to see you this weekend." "All right, Chi Chi." Goku smiled at her. "I know you'll come to see me when you can, don't worry about it." Chi Chi straightened herself and walked to the door, pausing for only a moment. "Look after him, Vegeta." There was obvious spite in her voice. Maybe she did want to stay, after all. It was obvious that she hated the fact that Vegeta was spending so much time with her husband. Probably only because she suspected that he would become more in touch with the Saiya-jin side of himself that she had worked so hard to supress. Or perhaps her eyes were finally becoming less blind to what was going on between her husband and Vegeta. It had, after all, been going on for a while. "I will. Better than you could ever." Vegeta was unable to resist adding the jab, although he winced slightly when he felt Goku's aura change from happiness to one of anger. Chi Chi just scowled at him before she left. She never even told Goku that she loved him. "Vegeta!" Goku snapped in annoyance, once they were sure Chi Chi was gone. "I told you, she loves me! She took care of me before I ever met you!" "I'm sorry." Vegeta closed his eyes and sighed. "That was wrong of me." Goku was silent for a few minutes, and when he did speak again, his voice was soft. "Vegeta? I'm a little hungry." Vegeta's face broke into a genuine smile, something no one but Goku ever saw. "I'll go get you something to eat." "I think I'd like to come with you. I'm getting sick of this room." Goku got to his feet and leaned against Vegeta for support. "I hate the hospital wing." Vegeta nodded his agreement as he lead Goku from the room and down the hall. "I do too. I'll find a better room for you." "Do you think I could...stay with you?" The note of fear in Goku's voice was barely detectable, but it was still there. Vegeta looked at Goku out of the corner of his eye as they walked. "What makes you think I would tell you no?" Goku's voice lowered to a nervous whisper. "Do you... think that Bulma knows about...us?" "She's a genius, Kakarotto." Vegeta replied simply. "I would be worried if she didn't." "She won't tell Chi Chi, will she?" "She hasn't yet." Goku nodded, more to himself than to Vegeta. "I'd like it if we could stay together, Vegeta... I would feel... better." It was obvious that the effects of his family were wearing off. He was beginning to sound depressed again. "I want you to be with me incase... Incase I... get worse." He finished, looking down at his feet. Vegeta tightened his grip around Goku. "I'll be with you no matter what, Kakarotto. You're my mate." "Thank you, Vegeta... I appreciate it." ***** And so the month dragged on slowly, Vegeta watching Goku grow more and more weak by the day. The two of them had taken up residence in Vegeta's room. With Vegeta's company, and a more relaxed environment, Goku had gone back to being his usual chipper self, with only small spells of depression. Vegeta did everything for Goku. He brought him food and fed it to him, because Goku was sometimes in too much pain to move much. He tended to Goku's fevers constantly with cold washcloths, like Bulma had shown him. Mostly Goku was off in his own little world, delusioned by all the pain medicines Bulma kept injecting him with. It had gotten to the point where Goku no longer balked at the sight of needles, but rather just gave Bulma a pleasant, if not slightly detached, smile. In his small moments of lucidity, Goku would snuggle tenderly with Vegeta and listen to him speak about all the adventures he had ever had, and about Vegeta-sei, the planet he was born on. Occasionally he would tell Vegeta to re-tell the stories, or if Vegeta had exhausted them all Goku would simply request to hear something made-up. Vegeta was sure that Goku was just enjoying the sound of his voice. There was no denying Goku's lack of strength anymore. The larger saiya-jin could barely even lift his head anymore, and his cheeks were constantly flushed with the heat of fever. He had been fighting hard, there was no doubt of that. Bulma had made a tiny breakthrough in her work, enough to send Vegeta running to his room to inform Goku of the news, but not enough to cure him yet. Goku had managed a weak smile, and his eyes sparkled. "I'm glad you're so excited, Vegeta..." His voice was breathy, distant... He looked so sick. Vegeta visibly wilted as the joy of the news left him. He knew that Goku wouldn't be able to hold on much longer. He sat down and drew Goku's hand into his. "She'll find it in time, Kakarotto... If she doesn't..." Vegeta couldn't finish his sentence. Saiya-jin mated for life. If Goku died, that would be the end of Vegeta as well. Life without Goku... Wasn't really life at all. "Vegeta?" Drawing out of his thoughts, Vegeta looked down at Goku. His eyes were still sparkling. Even though he was sick, his eyes were always so full of life, and of love. Vegeta had never seen Goku look at anyone like that except for himself. He never even looked at Chi Chi that way. "What is it?" "Would you..." Goku's voice trailed off as the fever-flush of his face darkened in color. "Would you... love me?" Vegeta was silent for a few moments. "You're too weak, Kakarotto... I don't want to...to hurt you..." "Please?" There was something in Goku's voice that made Vegeta's heart pound, but not in lust. In fear. "It's important to me... Vegeta-chan..." Vegeta sighed heavily and nodded. He feared to speak. He feared to do anything other than what Goku was asking. He feared the worst. Goku was dying, and he knew it. This was their last day together. Their last time together, as one. Vegeta pressed his lips to Goku's, pouring all the love he could into that one simple gesture. He felt Goku smile around his lips, and he couldn't help but smile back into the kiss. The smile was tainted with despair, but it was still a smile. The love they made was gentle, loving, and passionate. Afterwards, Vegeta laid next to Goku, their tails around around each other's. He had his head against Goku's chest, listening to the faint rumble of a purr coming from his exhausted lover. They had both been silent for a while. Vegeta was sure that Goku was still awake and concious, and he was also aware that soon the pain medicine would wear off and that was when Goku would leave him. He entwined his hand with Goku's, aware that tears had begun to slide down his face. "Vegeta-chan...?" "What is it, Kakarotto?" "Don't remember me like this..." Goku whispered, and his breath hitched for a moment. He was crying, too. "Remember me how I was before I got sick, all right?" "I love you, Kakarotto... In this life, and in the next..." Vegeta placed a kiss against Goku's temple, feeling the pulse beneath his lips. "I love you too..." Goku had just barely finished his sentence when Vegeta felt Goku's pulse begin to climb. He squeeze Goku's hand reassuringly. "I won't leave you." Goku let out a sharp cry of pain as the virus intensified, beginning it's attack anew. The cries went on for a few minutes, until Goku's voice was hoarse from screaming. And then, unexpectedly, he fell silent. "Ka...ka...rotto..." Vegeta murmered. For an agonizing moment, he was sure that he had just lost his mate. "Kakay...." His voice came out in a whine as tears began pouring down his face. Then he felt it. Goku's ki. It was still there! "Bulma!" Vegeta screamed, louder than he was sure he had ever screamed before. "Bulma!!!" ***** "He's comatose." Bulma stated, as she watched Vegeta tenderly stroking his fingers down the side of Goku's cheek. "I think it's so his body can reserve strength to fight the virus. I'll hook him up to an IV right now, so he won't starve or dehydrate." Vegeta, whose face was tear-streaked, nodded. "Whatever you have to do. Just hurry and find that cure before it's too late. If Kakarotto dies... I'll know it's because you didn't try hard enough to save him." Bulma placed her hand on Vegeta's shoulder and squeezed gently. "I know you love him, Vegeta. I want you to be happy, and so you can rest assured that I'll find the cure. I'm getting closer every day. Only another week or so." Vegeta offered her a weak half-smile. "So you do know." Bulma raised her eyebrow. "It doesn't take a genius. Afterall, I did come in here to find you and Goku both... Well... Au naturel, so to speak... And don't think I haven't noticed that matching set of scars on your necks. The scars you said were 'training scars' but happen to be in the shape of bite-marks? Last time I checked, martial arts didn't involve biting." She went about hooking up the IV to Goku's arm. "Is there any way you can maybe do some kind of energy-transfer? That might help keep him alive." Vegeta's eyes widened. "Of course! Why didn't I think of it before!" In his joy, he scooped Bulma right off the ground and planted a kiss on her cheek. "You ARE a genius, woman!" As soon as he put her back down, he went right onto the task of sending energy to Goku by holding his hand and willing his ki into his ill mate, most likely prolonging his life. "Now get to work on that cure." "Don't worry about showing affection in front of me anymore, Vegeta. It's almost like an insult to my intellect when you two think that you're hiding things." Vegeta smiled, one of his special smiles usually reserved for Goku. THE END Heehee. :) Current Mood:  Loving <3 |